Human

Human

I remember the night I realised God is human
It was a night in August
When I died in a man’s bed
I died ugly, exhausted, boiling, hurt
My heart still beats with the wings of songbirds
Trapped in cages in people’s bedrooms
My skin was smoking with the heat
I ached and ached and weeped and ached
But when I had the lid ripped off my Pandora’s box
And I saw Hope lying at the bottom
Like a dead blackbird
I prayed
I prayed for someone to save me
I prayed for someone from the living or the dead or the heavens
To reach down and wrap me in their cool arms
Told in all the cherry wine spilling out of my chest
So I could breathe
And it was then
When I was alone in a bed
That belonged to a stranger that I thought I knew
That I realised that God is the most human deity I could belive in
Because she couldn’t save my life that night
She isn’t a miracle worker
Just like our fathers aren’t superheroes
And our mothers aren’t queens
God is just a human that I had built into something called Hope
And when I realised why I was left to die
I thought that God hadn’t heard my prayers that night
Because
Perhaps she was just
Sleeping

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

I’m not coming home

I’m not coming home

I spent years trying to escape my burning home
The house was fine
But the walls inside we’re black with soot
The flames that I felt the scalding heat from
Lapped at my skin
Leaving burns in the places most people don’t see
The air inside is thick with smoke
It covered my mouth
Like a grey leather glove pressed against my lips
Fighting for breath
With my parents hands fitting so perfectly over my voice
The matches we lit ignited the carpets
They burned and burned with the alcohol flooding the rooms
From my mother’s empty wine bottles
They blazed so high
But so silently that there was nothing anyone could do
My lovers would see the ash on my skin
And weep with me
Because no matter how much I was being flamed
When there’s no real fire to put out
What can they do to save me?
I spent eighteen years fighting the fire in my home
I spent so long trying to hide from the heat
And longer soothing my burns
But now I am free
I am getting my breath back
With every exhale I set loose the smoke inside of me
Sometimes I am even scared to talk to people
Because of the stench of burning flesh on my breath
I got out less than a month ago
The air is cooler on the other side
The little fires inside of me still roar
When I hear my mother’s voice down the phone
And I smell the smoke on her tongue she speaks
I am reminded of the walls I fought to escape from
I feel the grief of the things I’ve left behind
Which have turned to dust
I grieve and I grieve and I grieve
For the home that I never knew
For the mother I didn’t save
And I burn for the father with matches in his back pocket.
The new skin I’m growing covers up
The parts of me that could never breathe
What a gift to no longer be suffocated
What a gift to be able to tell my father,
The one who built the home that he set ablaze,
That no matter how much you ask for me to forgive you,
I escaped the chains I was bound in
I survived the fire
I’m so sorry
But I can’t
I’m not coming home.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

November Rain

November Rain

November rain comes around on the anniversary
I take a drink of it just for you
Melted clouds on my tongue
And I look for the signs again
All the things you said but didn’t quite say
The words you said to tell me what was on your mind
And I’m sorry didn’t quite hear
What you were really saying
You said it was too cold for you to stay
(Is it warmer There?
Send me a postcard if you wouldn’t mind)
I’m glad you kept my scarf
Another one of the bits of me
That you took with you
So maybe you could keep me close
When it got too much
And so you didn’t have to break me
But god I feel the pain now.
I remember how cold your hands were
When you kissed me goodbye
And held me in your palms
They were just like ice.
I see you in the frost on the grass
And the snow.
I need to tell you
I’ve got you under my pillow
A bunch of rosemary
Tucked up in bed with me.
I wish I could say goodbye again
I’d give you some gloves to warm your fingertips
Give you my umbrella to keep the rain off your shoulders
But now the year has rolled around
The rain will keep on pouring for you
All the way through November
And I will love you

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

You’re the sunshine

You’re the sunshine

Sweetheart
You’re the ocean laced with sugar
I bathe in
When you take me to the beach inside my head

You’re the ache in my chest
When I can’t be close enough to hold you

You’re the warm weighted air on my hand
When I reach out just to see if you’re there
When I am without

You’re the sunshine through my window
That warms me up and sets my cheeks ablaze

You’re the song lyrics I can’t get out of my head
When they sing about the sweetness of love

God I can’t stop smiling with you
Everytime the sun shines

Darling
You mean everything to me

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

I’ll let you know

I’ll let you know

Stay away
For today
I am sick.
It’ll be okay
One of these days
But for now
I am weak.
I’ll let you know when you can hold me
Without me falling apart at your feet
I don’t want to become dust
That means nothing to us
Ready for sweeping.
I’ll let you know when it’s safe to love me
So I won’t shake you
Or even break you.
Because I am sick and
only angels are holding me up.
When I am taller, instead of smaller
I’ll let you know
So we can reach for sunrise and smile at sunset
Knowing I made it.
I wish I could make me better
And once I’m better
If you don’t mind the wait
I’ll let you know.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Sugar just as sweet

Sugar just as sweet

Cake mixture swallowing my tummy up
Sweet and sickly
Rising and rising against my stomach

And so the bake begins

Tasted by some twice my age
Vile greedy fingers can taste the sugar
sugar just as sweet as my figure in a dress
Lapped up and savoured
I’m as sweet as a cake
Just when you’re hungry
A treat
Just for you

The flour that makes me swell was shovelled down me
Dry in my mouth
Self raising
Soon to be as round as a balloon

Turn your heads away when the cake is ready
I’ll wait for you to try a slice
And leave me to eat it up or burn it alive
Until there’s nothing left of it

9 months to wait because of some sweetness that lasted you minutes
A night where I died again and a tiny parasite was born

Watch me hate myself for the rest of my life
Because I’m too young to know how to bake the fucking cake that you made me into
I burned it
And I won’t forgive myself
Until the next time

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

A corpse with a body of beauty

A corpse with a body of beauty

I have been nectar
And fallen petals
I have been a broken plate
And a shining black eye
A gun to my own head
And a bloody tissue to dry my own tears
I have taken it all
And rinsed myself clean again
I have asked for it time and time again
And cried when I realised how much I was an empty seashell
Carrying the sound of a thousand waves
Can I ever be whole
When I have been scooped out?
I am a corpse with a body of beauty
Buried
Alive
But barely breathing
I won’t stop asking for the pain until shatters my porcelain
It’s destiny
I know each time it kills me
And maybe
That’s what I’m hoping for
And that’s why I can’t get enough

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com