You’re the sunshine

You’re the sunshine

Sweetheart
You’re the ocean laced with sugar
I bathe in
When you take me to the beach inside my head

You’re the ache in my chest
When I can’t be close enough to hold you

You’re the warm weighted air on my hand
When I reach out just to see if you’re there
When I am without

You’re the sunshine through my window
That warms me up and sets my cheeks ablaze

You’re the song lyrics I can’t get out of my head
When they sing about the sweetness of love

God I can’t stop smiling with you
Everytime the sun shines

Darling
You mean everything to me

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

I’ll let you know

I’ll let you know

Stay away
For today
I am sick.
It’ll be okay
One of these days
But for now
I am weak.
I’ll let you know when you can hold me
Without me falling apart at your feet
I don’t want to become dust
That means nothing to us
Ready for sweeping.
I’ll let you know when it’s safe to love me
So I won’t shake you
Or even break you.
Because I am sick and
only angels are holding me up.
When I am taller, instead of smaller
I’ll let you know
So we can reach for sunrise and smile at sunset
Knowing I made it.
I wish I could make me better
And once I’m better
If you don’t mind the wait
I’ll let you know.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Sugar just as sweet

Sugar just as sweet

Cake mixture swallowing my tummy up
Sweet and sickly
Rising and rising against my stomach

And so the bake begins

Tasted by some twice my age
Vile greedy fingers can taste the sugar
sugar just as sweet as my figure in a dress
Lapped up and savoured
I’m as sweet as a cake
Just when you’re hungry
A treat
Just for you

The flour that makes me swell was shovelled down me
Dry in my mouth
Self raising
Soon to be as round as a balloon

Turn your heads away when the cake is ready
I’ll wait for you to try a slice
And leave me to eat it up or burn it alive
Until there’s nothing left of it

9 months to wait because of some sweetness that lasted you minutes
A night where I died again and a tiny parasite was born

Watch me hate myself for the rest of my life
Because I’m too young to know how to bake the fucking cake that you made me into
I burned it
And I won’t forgive myself
Until the next time

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

A corpse with a body of beauty

A corpse with a body of beauty

I have been nectar
And fallen petals
I have been a broken plate
And a shining black eye
A gun to my own head
And a bloody tissue to dry my own tears
I have taken it all
And rinsed myself clean again
I have asked for it time and time again
And cried when I realised how much I was an empty seashell
Carrying the sound of a thousand waves
Can I ever be whole
When I have been scooped out?
I am a corpse with a body of beauty
Buried
Alive
But barely breathing
I won’t stop asking for the pain until shatters my porcelain
It’s destiny
I know each time it kills me
And maybe
That’s what I’m hoping for
And that’s why I can’t get enough

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Untruths

Untruths

They’ll push you out of bed in the morning
Eyes stuck shut with sticky treacle
Head rolling on the ground
With a neck that’s too sleepy to hold it up
They’ll walk you,
With your matchstick legs,
To the tomb you’ve died in many times
Rip the sheets off your warm skin
And tuck you in to old ones
Change the pillows so it smells like a greenhouse
Hear them when they tell you you’re better
That you’re well enough to steady your own shaking hands
Listen when they say you’re fixed enough
To draw your curtains without tying a noose.
Hide the stains of blood that poured from your neck
Bleach the matress if you need to.
Pretend you feel safe on your own at night
Let them plunge you into darkness when they turn off the light
As they say a prayer for you
A ‘goodnight’ to hope you survive
They say
You need to sleep in your own bed now
You know you’re not a child anymore sweetie,
Don’t you?

House On Fire

House On Fire

Let me gather my bones from the bonfire
Let me bury them among the cabbage patches
That grew from firtile soil
Enriched with ashes.
We clicked like a lighter
A roaring little house on fire
A couldran of smoke
That would choke us with love
Ripping our hearts out
And toasting them for each other
A sacrifice we made
Knowing we could never live again
Or love another
We loved each other enough to ignite the globe
We burned so bright
That when the fire died out
There was nothing left of us

It is the leaves that make the tree.

It is the leaves that make the tree.

Look what I have done for you
My body is bare before you
My leaves fly into the air
My arms are knackered branches
Stranding exposed before you.
These are my leaves collecting around our feet;
I have unravelled in front of you,
Like you asked me to.
Can you see these tiny solar cells cascading,
Swirling before our eyes
Can you see them?
I have unpicked every one of them
(My secrets)
And you can see them
You can read them and feel them in your palms
Those stories that have kept me sheltered,
They held the parts of me I wanted to keep for myself
And
Who am I
now that you have seen every part of me?
Who can I be
Now that there is nothing left of me
That you have not touched?
You asked me to tell you who I am.
And now that I’ve told you the answer,
I cannot exist anymore.

-Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com