November Rain

November Rain

November rain comes around on the anniversary
I take a drink of it just for you
Melted clouds on my tongue
And I look for the signs again
All the things you said but didn’t quite say
The words you said to tell me what was on your mind
And I’m sorry didn’t quite hear
What you were really saying
You said it was too cold for you to stay
(Is it warmer There?
Send me a postcard if you wouldn’t mind)
I’m glad you kept my scarf
Another one of the bits of me
That you took with you
So maybe you could keep me close
When it got too much
And so you didn’t have to break me
But god I feel the pain now.
I remember how cold your hands were
When you kissed me goodbye
And held me in your palms
They were just like ice.
I see you in the frost on the grass
And the snow.
I need to tell you
I’ve got you under my pillow
A bunch of rosemary
Tucked up in bed with me.
I wish I could say goodbye again
I’d give you some gloves to warm your fingertips
Give you my umbrella to keep the rain off your shoulders
But now the year has rolled around
The rain will keep on pouring for you
All the way through November
And I will love you

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

You’re the sunshine

You’re the sunshine

Sweetheart
You’re the ocean laced with sugar
I bathe in
When you take me to the beach inside my head

You’re the ache in my chest
When I can’t be close enough to hold you

You’re the warm weighted air on my hand
When I reach out just to see if you’re there
When I am without

You’re the sunshine through my window
That warms me up and sets my cheeks ablaze

You’re the song lyrics I can’t get out of my head
When they sing about the sweetness of love

God I can’t stop smiling with you
Everytime the sun shines

Darling
You mean everything to me

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

I’ll let you know

I’ll let you know

Stay away
For today
I am sick.
It’ll be okay
One of these days
But for now
I am weak.
I’ll let you know when you can hold me
Without me falling apart at your feet
I don’t want to become dust
That means nothing to us
Ready for sweeping.
I’ll let you know when it’s safe to love me
So I won’t shake you
Or even break you.
Because I am sick and
only angels are holding me up.
When I am taller, instead of smaller
I’ll let you know
So we can reach for sunrise and smile at sunset
Knowing I made it.
I wish I could make me better
And once I’m better
If you don’t mind the wait
I’ll let you know.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Sugar just as sweet

Sugar just as sweet

Cake mixture swallowing my tummy up
Sweet and sickly
Rising and rising against my stomach

And so the bake begins

Tasted by some twice my age
Vile greedy fingers can taste the sugar
sugar just as sweet as my figure in a dress
Lapped up and savoured
I’m as sweet as a cake
Just when you’re hungry
A treat
Just for you

The flour that makes me swell was shovelled down me
Dry in my mouth
Self raising
Soon to be as round as a balloon

Turn your heads away when the cake is ready
I’ll wait for you to try a slice
And leave me to eat it up or burn it alive
Until there’s nothing left of it

9 months to wait because of some sweetness that lasted you minutes
A night where I died again and a tiny parasite was born

Watch me hate myself for the rest of my life
Because I’m too young to know how to bake the fucking cake that you made me into
I burned it
And I won’t forgive myself
Until the next time

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

It is the leaves that make the tree.

It is the leaves that make the tree.

Look what I have done for you
My body is bare before you
My leaves fly into the air
My arms are knackered branches
Stranding exposed before you.
These are my leaves collecting around our feet;
I have unravelled in front of you,
Like you asked me to.
Can you see these tiny solar cells cascading,
Swirling before our eyes
Can you see them?
I have unpicked every one of them
(My secrets)
And you can see them
You can read them and feel them in your palms
Those stories that have kept me sheltered,
They held the parts of me I wanted to keep for myself
And
Who am I
now that you have seen every part of me?
Who can I be
Now that there is nothing left of me
That you have not touched?
You asked me to tell you who I am.
And now that I’ve told you the answer,
I cannot exist anymore.

-Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Alien

Alien

For me,

There is a surrealism to balance.

What is it like to breathe

And not gasp?

Or walk

And not sprint?

 

Aliens are in emotion.

How does one cry without crumbling?

Or stand their ground with defiance

Without bubbling over with a poison rage

Like acid from a cauldron?

A burning, corrosive witches brew.

To see someone cheerful,

Instead of ecstatic is confusing.

I can tell you I have seen UFOs.

They are

In the people I love,

In bus drivers and friends,

In shopkeepers

And therapists.

 

They are alien to me,

Because they are so human

Without complete excess.

I wish I could have just loved you

Instead of being alive

only because of you.

 

Aliens, teach me your ways.

Breakdown the surrealism.

 

Let me be a human.

 

~Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

Chase

Chase

I can’t seem to sit still anymore

I don’t want to sleep anymore

It’s all a huge chase

That’s the game

Keep moving and it won’t catch you

When I am seated I have to watch it take over my body

I have to sit with people dancing around my head

(When it’s quiet

I can even hear them)

My legs that move with the waves of feelings

A neck that cracks to zap some of that friction

Between my stomach and my brain

I can’t seem to sit still anymore

I’m that irritating foot-tapper

Don’t let it be silent

Don’t make me listen to those muffled slurs and groans through that goddamned bedsheet

Don’t make me hear those shouts and those words

That have cut like knives into my exterior

Don’t let me relive it

I don’t want to sleep anymore

It’s like I can’t bear the waiting for another day

Let me keep going

Let me keep running

Make the days go faster

Make them go so fast they blur into nothing and then they’ll stop for good

Let me keep running

Don’t let me be human anymore

(A cheetah will do just fine)

Let me keep running

No sleep, no stopping

If I stop

I won’t be able to cope with the feeling

I can hear it catching up with me goddamit

What have I told you about slowing down!

I can’t stop running or else it’ll catch me up

And crash into me

I just want the world to turn faster

And the sun to rise and set like the tides

Anything that will make the running quicker

I’ve just gotta keep running

Keep your eyes on the ground ahead

I know when I stop I’ll have to face it

I’ll have to ask myself:

 

Who am I running from?

 

Am I running from them?

 

Or am I running from myself?

 

And where the hell am I running to?

 

 

~Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com