I forgive her

I forgive her

She was selfish in her suicidality
She was frustratingly reckless
She fought with me ruthlessly
And her parents tirelessly

She was exhausting and exhausted
Undone, promiscuous, troubled and angry
She was self-destructive and destructive to others
She was also hilarious and childish and lovely occasionally

She burnt a lot of bridges
Bloodied clothes and sheets and carpets
She was so sad sometimes that she knocked everyone to pieces

She was dealing with a lot
And she was a lot to deal with
She got sick and then she got better
Because she was naive sometimes unfortunately

She was a dreamer
Romanticised blue skies, beaches and flowers
She was also beautiful
And painfully rageful and stroppy

She was manic and constantly over-excited
She felt she was a burden to others
And was a nightmare to live with
She was loved by almost everyone, but struggled to give it

But I remind myself that I was young
And I still learning, and I was tired
I was finding my feet
And I really did try my hardest

She was all of these things
But she was entirely and unapologetically me
And so I forgive her

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

An agonising cliché

An agonising cliché

It is not a pretty cliché
Or romantic one
To say that I would be nothing without you
So many people have taken everything from me
My feet
My insides
All my love
All my dignity
But you
You have filled me with rivers of love
And oceans of shining light
If you lost the fight
If you went away
You would drain my blood in front of my eyes
Not out of greed like the others
But out of grief like no one before
You keep the rivers flowing inside of me
And that why the incredible cliché fits so well
Not out of romance
But in agony

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

A walk in April

A walk in April

The sky is as blue as my veins
Crystalline
Aquamarines
Of a beautiful Friday evening
I spent the day capturing flowers
And holding her hand
I lay down on the grass as green as springtime
And rested my head on the ground I have fallen down upon many times
I was cold still but the sun was warm enough
She fell asleep a couple of times in the peacefulness
It was a beautiful day
In a world that is often ugly
We walked a little bit through the park
Treading on the ground where I buried my nightmares
We made something lovely of our life today
We made a day that we hope we will never forget,
After days that we hope we will never remember,
Despite it all.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com

A Caged Bird

A Caged Bird

There are things I will never miss about anorexia.
I will not miss
Staring in the mirror
While the shower steamed up the corners of the glass
Watching my naked body
Like a caged bird
While my eyes began to sting
As I fought to keep them open
Out of fear that
Should I shut my eyes,
I would open them
And be twice the size as before.
I do not miss the freezing showers
Chapped fingers tentatively turning the dial to cold
As I carried out my latest new trick to poison my body.
I remember the droplets shooting off my cheeks
Quicker than I could count calories
As my teeth chattered
From the icy water cascading down my malnourished body.
Blue hands and lips were a reasonable price to pay for skinny.
I don’t miss standing on the golden sacred scales
And hitting rock bottom
Only to realise it was just a balcony
In a 100 story block of flats
That I had yet to fall down.
I don’t miss the feeling of frightening bliss
When every mouthful
Was the most wonderful relief for my tummy
And the most vivid nightmare for my mind.
Sometimes I miss starving myself
But I don’t miss starving my family
Of love
Kindness
Warmth
Affection
And
Hope.
As much as I believed I was soaring when I was starving
I was simply flying a descending plane with my eyes shut
Steering myself towards the ground
With the people I love as the passengers
Sacrificing myself ceremoniously
And bringing the rest of the world down as collateral damage.
Most of all
I do not miss hindsight
I do not miss the perfect irony
Of shrinking myself small enough to hide
From all of the things I was painfully afraid of
When really I was igniting the dead wood of my life
Into a rageful roar of flames
That almost killed me while I was trying to quench the heat.
Although I am warm now, rosy, happier,
The little fires still sizzle in the ashes
Of anorexia.

By Emma Catherine

thelilaclysander.com