Identity and Me (living with Borderline Personality Disorder)

Identity and Me (living with Borderline Personality Disorder)

Who am I? Every morning I wake up and I feel like I have to build myself into someone. I construct a style, a temperament, an interest. But even so I never really know who I am *underneath* it all. For so long, I’ve had to get a grip on my gender, my sexuality (which sometimes still gets me in a muddle) and who I am without all of that and my mental health. I know identity disturbance is common when you’re struggling with complex stuff in your head. And anyway teenagers are meant to be going out into the world and ‘finding themselves’ blah blah. But it’s more than that. It’s getting confused, and switching from person to person every few days, it’s evolving your handwriting to be like the person you admire, or picking up your friends’ phrases. I find so much comfort in my friends sending me things because they remind them of me, or noticing things about my character or my attitude. It is in those moments that I find out things about myself that I find so confusing sometimes. Knowing that you have Borderline Personality Disorder, makes me confront that a huge part of me, my personality, my body and my soul is dysfunctional, erratic and volatile at times, but it makes me realise just how passionate, energetic and expressive, unique and interesting I am. But also, there’s a lot of Emma that I’m discovering too. I like as much colour as possible. I like cats, bees, bats and elephants. I’m an absolute weirdo with my friends like wow. I find so much beauty in the sky and flowers are just so fabulous (when I’m less impulsive I want to get some tattooed on me). I’m affectionate. I love books and I’m doing English at uni. I feel good with my make-up on and with dyed hair (for the future I’m going by: the brighter the better). I want to work in publishing or therapy. But this is me right now, I know I’ll evolve from the second I post this. Let’s see who I become.

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